PURVIEW: “Archie Marries Veronica”

24 07 2009

So. You may have heard about this story elsewhere. (If so, why?) Moreover, it means I’m late to this party. Not that I was invited. And not that I wanted to go, but, you know, I would have, if I’d been invited.

I haven’t read an Archie comic since I was a kid (then again, who didn’t read Archie comics when they were younger?), so this news, sadly, was lost among the other items that have recently claimed my attention (namely, this whole “mess“).

So it was with mild shock that I discovered Archie will soon be married. To Veronica. Almost fifteen years ago, Archie found himself involved in another relationship quandary; that time, Archie needed to determine whether he was best suited for Veronica, Betty, or Cheryl Blossom(!), an old “flame.”

This time around, Archie will select Veronica Lodge, “comics’ favorite rich girl” as his “blushing” (wasn’t she with Reggie for all those years?) bride. The six-part story begins in Archie #600 (to be published in August) and will be written by Michael Uslan (acclaimed producer of Batman [1989], National Treasure [2004], and The Dark Knight [2008]) and illustrated by Stan Goldberg (who began his career in the 1940s with Timely Comics).

The announcement has garnered extraordinary attention from fanboys and Muggles alike: CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times. But what does it really mean? Extra issues sold, I suppose. The same thing happened when Captain America was killed in April 2007.

So I started to think back on comic book weddings, because I’ve nothing better to occupy my time (until school resumes in the fall). So, a (not)comprehensive list of funny book nuptials:

Mr. Fantastic/Reed Richards + Invisible Woman/Sue Storm: Dr. Doom, in a fit of jealous rage, tries to interrupt the ceremony by dispatching a group of hired goons.

Spider-Man/Peter Parker + Mary Jane Watson: After a momentary bout with a case of cold feet, and an extended sequence with Electro, Peter and Mary Jane are married by M.J.’s uncle, a judge, Spenser Watson. The eventĀ  occurred simultaneously in the daily comic strip.

Cyclops/Scott Summers + Marvel Girl/Jean Grey: Having rebuffed Scott several times, Jean finally relents. Shortly thereafter, they travel to the future to raise Scott’s son, Nathan. Because that’s one way to avoid the messiness of conception and the inconvenience of childbirth.

Superman/Clark Kent + Lois Lane: Nearly every living artist who had previously worked on a Superman book did so for this one-shot. Clark is without his powers in the issue (the consequence of a comic book crossover).

Green Arrow/Oliver Queen + Black Canary/Dinah Lance: Before the ink on the wedding certificate has had a chance to dry, Dinah stabs Oliver in the neck with one of his arrows, apparently killing him. It’s later revealed that the villain Everyman replaced Oliver sometime after the ceremony.